God Answers Half-Hearted Prayers
By Keilah Knowles
At the beginning of the year, the pastors at The Paradox asked the partners to write down the name of one person for whom they could pray and share the gospel. The Lord very firmly placed two names on my heart. I have absolutely zero in common with either girl. They both have histories of sexual abuse, promiscuity, divorces, abortions, etc. Things that make it nearly impossible for me to relate to them.
I’ve shared with my City Group that I don’t want to pray for their salvation because I know their history, I know their views on religion and God and it is just too big of a task for me. There is no way I–or God–could every change their mind.
One of these girls used to work as a high-end prostitute in NYC. She is now married with a two-year old boy and has moved back to Texas. She is also sober, since realizing she was addicted to alcohol.
Last night she shared with me that she badly wanted a drink because she was bracing for a difficult night because her grandmother was coming over for dinner. I asked why this was causing anxiety, and she shared that when she was five years old, her grandfather began to molest her. When she told her grandma, her grandma told her to never tell anyone or else grandpa would go to jail.
After her stressful night, I checked to see how everything went. I was able to speak life and encouragement over her. I told her that her life was worth fighting for and that, even though grandma didn’t choose her over grandpa, she is still chosen and still worthy of love. I told her that she is worth so much more than what she thinks her body can do for others.
The challenge here is that I had to fight every urge to use “Christian-ese” type verbiage. She was wiping tears from her eyes (trying to hide that she was crying). She thanked me a million times even though it was visibly hard for her to hear these things. It was as if she’d never heard these TRUTHS before. Not once did I mention God/Jesus/Religion/The Bible, but I spoke words that I felt the Holy Spirit would say to her face-to-face.
Earlier this week, I felt convicted about not wanting to pray for these friends. So, I gave a half-hearted prayer along the lines of “eh, if you really want them saved, then open a door for me to show them who you are.” But, deep down, was like, “but also don’t, because I’m scared and don’t want to lose them.” AND THEN ALL THIS HAPPENED.
After our conversation last night, the Holy Spirit told me “I want these girls, I love these girls, they are My daughters. Will you let Me teach you to be My hands and feet to them?” He also asked who I am to think I can pick and choose who gets to hear the gospel and experience who He is. Yikes!
I am REJOICING, for the first time, and I am filled with hope for what their futures could look like!