Choose Joy

By Nick DeanI sit, suspended in air in my own row of a Boeing-757 bound for Dallas, and I can feel the immense amount of space between me and the rest of the world below.The past few weeks made me feel distant, like I was living behind a shield formed with a heavy mixture of failure, disappointment and fear. In front of people, I am fine and nothing’s wrong.
 They matter more. Let’s talk about them.  You, you, you is really a maneuver to avoid any talk of me, me and oh, me. I could talk for days: 
Death still stings. Failure abounds. The future’s unclear. Life is messy.I can’t talk about others right now because I am slipping away, turning into a wisp of a man. (Raw moments of caring for others make life the sweetest, but only when it's done cheerfully. We can be used for His glory but not when we're worried about our own.)
 The thought races in my brain that I should take a personal inventory everyday, not of items, but of actions and responses.Example day:Moments of grace – 1Moments of pride  – 80Moments of anxiety – too many to countMoments of joy – 15Moments of worship – 2The inventory paints a picture of someone (read:me) who worships perfection, not grace.
Tomorrow will be different.
 Grace will gain ground and abound all the more. Worship – in the form of thankfulness, wonder and naming blessings – will take anxiety’s place.It’ll be gradual and then, one day, I’ll look back and wonder how it could have changed so fast. That’s exactly how life is. It creeps forward and during our youthful years we think it can’t move fast enough. Then one day, you’re older. Friends are married and others are heading down the aisle. College is over. Your life is stagnant in comparison to the cyclical rhythm of school.
 Life has slowed and you wonder: What next?Life is a mess and improvement looks more like two steps forward and one back then four breaths of hesitation, just like Anne Lamott says in Grace Eventually.I had several good weeks of moving forward. Believing that grace and God were mine for the taking, not because I deserve it but because Christ shed blood. I moved through life comfortably in the hands of the Creator.Then I had weeks of reckless abandon toward fear and shame and guilt and hurt and self-deprecating humor that life is one big flop fest. (What is it about twenty-somethings and our love for woe-is-me attitudes?)I’ve been a somewhat fearful person most of my life, but spontaneity and pure joy are now my soul’s best friends. This isn’t a rebellion toward drugs and alcohol and women. Tired of being boring and hoping to make the next 22 years more lasting than the previous, I’ve turned to choosing joy.It’s a wanderlust for joyful abandon making sure each movement of me – something small – is a move to bolster something greater – God.One friend asked me — “why is your life so cool?” — after seeing a trip to California with a best friend. But, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't doing something because of what others thought.Joy was my goal.Traveling, exploring and venturing keep my wandering soul feeding on incredible moments and sights and sounds and smells that shine with God’s goodness over and over again.Spending time with a best friend, hearing how life is going this many years after high school, talking through struggles and laughing for a long time about the past fills my heart with one important thing – joy. It’s a palpable feeling that tells me God is here and near and with me and never left and will never leave.He’s here and His goodness is threaded throughout my friendships, work and everyday life in Fort Worth. Getting away gave me a vantage point to see what life has been during my first year here. It’s a year drenched in blessings too good for words.There is a massive blessing in God allowing us to search for Him in the small that life brings in with the tide of emotions and moments of everyday life.God’s light glimmered with hope amid life's messy darkness. He drew me back and everyday His grace crashes over me like breakers from the sea that hit dirty sand and turn to pure, white foam.Joy won’t be constant — dark moments make the light brighter —  but we will never feel the warmth of joy if we dwell in the darkness and refuse to turn our faces up to let joy’s rays of warmth soak into our skin.That’s how you choose joy — you look up and realize He is there, always.— Nick Dean is a member of The Commons City Group and blogs at www.bynickdean.com You can follow him on Twitter here. —