How Jesus Changed Me - Nataly

I grew up in a Catholic family, and as a kid, church always seemed like a chore. Church was a rigid place where we received a list of rules and God was the impossible to please score keeper. My mom talked about him, prayed to him; but between God, the Virgin Mary and the Saints, I did not understand the significance of Christ.For most of my life I felt like I was not good enough. I always felt that I had nothing to offer and that I was not worthy of being loved. My relationship with my dad played a huge role in building that false identity. He was not abusive, absent, or violent. He provided for our home, but that is where his role ended. He was emotionally closed off to my mom, passive, uninterested, and difficult to please. I have few memories of my dad showing me affection or trying to get to know me. I mostly remember him choosing drinking and his friends over the family. This led to me being a depressed, lonely, and quiet little girl. My mom loved me so much, but it was not enough. As I got older, I grew bitter toward my mom for making excuses for my dad, I was angry at my brother for being absent, and unhappy with myself for not being able to change. I wanted to be worthy of my dad’s love, even though I hated him. Ultimately, I was angry and bitter at God. I believed that both my father and God only existed to show me how worthless and unlovable I was. Therefore, at around age 14, I walked away from God and the church. 

"Ultimately, I was angry and bitter at God."

 All my negative feelings gave birth to a life of isolation and depression. I had a fear of letting other people see how worthless I was, so I never really tried anything. I did my best to stay isolated, but all I wanted was to be known. Therefore, my high school experience was filled with trying to numb myself. I sought comfort in food, self-hatred, shallow friendships, and sex. I did not know God, and shame owned me.When I went to college, I lived with a dear friend who loved Jesus. Through her friendship, I came to know the Lord. I realized that who God really was differed from my idea of him. God actually loved me, He knew me! This personal aspect of the relationship was mind blowing! I could no longer deny the existence of Jesus or compare him to my dad. I asked for forgiveness, I got a bible for the first time, and memorized verses. I consumed a lot of information, but never actually learned how to repent.I did not fully come to Jesus because I was still feeling so condemned by shame and poisoned by bitterness. I still believed lies that hardened me to the message of grace. I could not fathom that grace was for me. I saw my sin clearly but believed the lie that I had to pay for what I had done before Jesus could accept me. This crushed me because I was failing miserably at it. For four years I fell into a lifestyle of partying, drinking, and drug use. This felt like freedom, but I eventually realized how enslaved I was. The Enemy had me convinced that I could not turn to Jesus because of the mess I created. I believed that God was not going to save me, but I was wrong. God soon called me to himself in an unexpected way.About three years ago, I got the news that my mom was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer and had six months to live. In an instant, God crushed me, and no amount of drugs, alcohol, food, or sex could save me. My mom was dying and nothing could make it stop. I did not have time to question; I just turned to God because I was truly desperate. In turning to him, I found that this almighty God did not just receive me, but welcomed me, sustained me, loved, and comforted me in a way that I did not deserve! He became the solid ground under my feet. Three months later, my mom died and my life was stripped of all comforts. I was home again with my dad and angry that I now had to take care of a parent I spent most of my life hating. However, I had no choice but to go all in with God. I could not keep running away because I did not have anywhere else to go, and I can see now that he was leading me to Jesus.I ended up at The Paradox in March of last year, and God was not going to let me just hide in the background. He was, by the power of the Holy Spirit, changing my life by introducing me to Jesus as my redeemer. For the first time, I saw Jesus as enough. I had made Jesus out to be an insufficient savior. This lie was replaced with the truth that Christ bore the full weight of my sin and suffered the wrath of God in my place. All of God’s wrath has been absorbed, and all my sin has been atoned for! Christ gave his life in exchange for mine because he loves me. Therefore, I have no excuse to run from him. I finally tasted the sweetness of his grace and saw the joy of repentance! My sin no longer has any claim on my life, I am HIS! This frees me up to bring every sin to the foot of the cross knowing Christ will receive me because I am already forgiven! 

"For the first time, I saw Jesus as enough."

 My true identity is that I am a redeemed daughter of the Most High King! All of the longings I had as a little girl, like wanting my dad to love me, were surpassed in every way by the perfect love of my Heavenly Father. Nothing can ever separate me from his love! His love towards sinners has the power to transform and turn bitter hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. It also frees me up to forgive my earthly father, because ultimately, we have both sinned against God. It’s difficult, and I have sinned in the process. However, now I can turn to Christ, repent, and rejoice because Christ’s sacrifice is enough. I have found all my worth and joy in Christ, and I get the honor of proclaiming his name and being made more like Jesus. All of this is to the glory of God!Nataly is a member of the Southwest City Group.Nataly was baptized in June. Our next baptisms are on September 30th, contact Nick England if you would like to be baptized.