Redemption Group Psalms :: Madeleine Rebouche

Last night we celebrated God's grace through Jesus at our Redemption Group Celebration. Participants of the most recent round of Redemption Groups often wrote of the things God taught them and did on their behalf through writing a psalm. Over the next couple weeks we will publish several of the psalms and stories told last night. The first is the psalm of Madeleine Rebouche.Listen to Madeleine read her psalm here :: [audio:http://theparadoxchurch.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/RG-Stories-Madeleine-Rebouche1.mp3|titles=RG Stories - Madeleine Rebouche]I had only a short time to try doing life on my own before it stung me and I retreated.For years I remained where no one could ever touch me again, hidden in the darkness of my desert fortress. I was safe behind stone walls, sleeping on dirt floors; vicious lies my only food and poisonous secrets my only drink. My enemy handed me bricks to thicken my walls and seal myself deeper and deeper into my solitude where I felt safe and comfortable. I was alone, starving, and filthy but I knew of nothing else. I had no idea what was on the other side of my beloved walls, but my enemy told me of who I was and what I could accomplish on my own, and I listened and believed. Then your precious whispers began to sneak through the cracks. I clung to the faint feeling of your presence and the gentleness of your words. But my enemy stamped them out, telling me they couldn’t be true, that if you really loved me you wouldn’t have let me suffer, that if you really loved me you would have protected me and I wouldn’t have to do it myself. He told me that I was stronger and that I knew what was really best for me, and I listened and believed. 

I had no idea what was on the other side of my beloved walls, but my enemy told me of who I was and what I could accomplish on my own, and I listened and believed.

 Then your light began to infiltrate my darkness and chase it away. For the first time, I saw my filth and felt my thirst. I began to understand what was outside of my fortress and I longed for it. I tried to wipe myself clean, in order to present myself to you, but the sticky residue of sins against me as well as my own allowed the dirt to cling to my flesh. I wiped away layer after layer only to uncover more. I bloodied my hands trying to beat down my walls but they remained firm. I could not lift the stains that sullied my soul. I came to realize that my safe, comforting fortress was really my prison. I was trapped and enslaved in darkness with my enemy. I heard you calling to me, but my enemy told me I was damaged, dirty, unworthy, unloved, and uncared for and I listened and believed.I lay in my prison defeated, ready to die with my filth and dissolve into dust.Then the ground beneath me began to shake, my enemy cowered and ran and your mighty hands held me close while in one sweep you ripped my walls up from their foundation and ground my bricks into powder. I cringed in pain as you decimated the only comfort I ever knew. The new light stung my eyes and I could not see. Yet your tears washed me clean and healed my open wounds. You fed me a feast that gave me a fullness I had never felt before. You held me close and told me you loved me. I asked you why and you told me of your Son who was perfect, but traded his perfection for my filth so that I might know your love: true comfort, safety, and protection. You told me of your Son, who took my suffering and shame as his own so that I might become your adopted daughter, pure, new, and redeemed. 

Then the ground beneath me began to shake, my enemy cowered and ran and your mighty hands held me close while in one sweep you ripped my walls up from their foundation and ground my bricks into powder.

 But as I learned more of your character and looked back at my suffering, I began to question you. How could you have been present, powerful, loving, and caring and still allow me to suffer? My questions turned into anger, my anger into bitterness. You walked with me through the dry desert, each day listening as I yelled and waiting as I disobeyed. I kept my eyes at my feet, only focusing on taking the next step to answer the questions reverberating around in my head so loudly that I could hear nothing else.I finally grew weary of my redundant ranting and turned to you. I drew near to you and clung to you because I had no other answer. It was there, in the still and the silence, that once again you told me of your Son who was perfect, but traded his perfection for my filth so that you might see me as perfect, and I might know your love. You told me of your Son, who took my suffering and shame as his own so that I might become your adopted daughter, pure, new, and redeemed.And for the first time, I listened and believed truth.Then you lifted my face and opened my eyes to how far we’d come. We had left the desert together. The grass was green and the trees were full. You told me you had been there all along, grieving for me, taking me further, cultivating what I could not, protecting me, and waiting patiently. You showed me how my suffering had driven me into your arms, how my suffering led me to understand my need for a savior. You helped me see that I’d rather suffer and starve through the desert and deeply recognize my dependence on you than walk on my own in a plentiful meadow and never know you. And I saw that you were enough, and it was worth it. My past suffering was worth my present understanding of your goodness, faithfulness, and unending love for me. And most of all, my suffering was worth having Jesus.Then, with you I wept and worshipped as I let the weight of what you had done wash over me. My soul sang, as I understood how deeply and intimately you called to me every step of the way, holding my fragile heart in your infinite, perfect, unbreakable hands. You told me I was loved, protected, and safe.And I listened and believed. 

You told me of your Son, who took my suffering and shame as his own so that I might become your adopted daughter, pure, new, and redeemed.

 Madeleine is a partner of The Paradox, and member of the South University City Group.Read more about Redemption Groups here.You can also apply for our next round of Redemption Groups in 2013 here.