Redemption Groups: Choosing Full Repentance

One current Redemption Group participant will be blogging their experience through this round of Redemption Groups.What do you love more than Jesus? This seems like such a strange question to ask a believer. We all love Jesus and would profess in public that He is first in our hearts. The truth? We all put something before Christ. We all love something more than Him, We all have our golden calves, so to speak.Pastor Ryan began this week of Redemption Groups with a harsh reality that rocked us to the core. As he taught the story of the golden calf we sat idle. I admit I halfheartedly listened. I am tired and weary from this long, arduous journey. It has become increasingly hard to pull myself here each Tuesday. I have grown complacent and so had this room full of people. And then as the story ended, Pastor Ryan looked around the room and chastised us. He spoke with such fervor and strength: The only thing we are entitled to is God’s wrath. Entitled is such a strong word in our modern culture that exudes entitlement and takes His death for granted. Yes, all we are entitled to is “to swallow God’s wrath,” he said. The room grew silent. I could feel my heart ferociously beating in my chest.I had faced my golden calf, right? I didn’t deserve God’s wrath. That sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach and the gulp in your throat when you know you are lying to yourself both hit me.We moved next to repentance. Repentance often carries such a negative connotation because, as Pastor Ryan explained, we are guilty of counterfeit repentance. Instead of true repentance and receiving God’s generous gift of forgiveness, we all engage in a half-hearted attempt at repentance.As we moved into our groups, we discussed our false idols and the loves we put before Christ. For most of us, this love had something to do with ourselves Whether it was our own comforts or control, we loved ourselves more than Him. Our group has experienced a lot of pain at the hands of others. We struggle letting go of this pain and forgiving our abusers, users or attackers. We all desire a close relationship with the Lord--we crave it; yet we let our want for control to supersede. We all want the fire of God’s love to burn in our hearts, yet we continue to let our love of self dwell within us instead.I love control. I spent so much time living in an “out of my control” world, that I compensate by exerting effort to have the life I ‘deserve’ in my mind. This control makes me angry with Him when He seemingly fails me. I learned a few weeks ago and recently replayed, even in the times I think He is deserting me, He is actually pursuing me. I just have to listen. Our idols do not serve us, we serve them. That which we put before Christ and allow to define us, cheapens His death.John tells us that God is love (1 John 4:16). His love is unconditional, unmerited and knows no limit. His love is the beginning and the end. It’s the reason God created and adopted us as His own. This is the essence of what it means to be a Christian: to know God’s love and forgiveness and love Him in return with all your heart, soul, body and strength.Collectively, we have put ourselves before Him. We turn to something earthly to free us or heal us, instead of letting Christ transform and heal us from our fear, selfishness and greed. The Lord calls each one of us, even in our weaknesses, sin and failings, to love Him above all else. Nothing but our sinful pride and willfulness keeps us from the love of God.It is this same pride and willfulness that keeps us from rejoicing in His grace. Instead of truly repenting, we make false promises. Each member of our group is slightly different, but we have one common thread: we refuse to see that we are adopted children of God.I am guilty of mere confession. I know what I have done and have heard Him tell me of my idols, yet I have refused to rip out the sin that is embedded in the profound idol of my heart and plant something new. I had never been specific with my repentance. I never sat down with Him and gave all the gritty details. As I laid in bed Tuesday I laid it all before Him. I exposed my wounds. The sting was intense, but short. My tears eventually stopped stinging and cleansed me. I was finally ready to face the next step in my repentance. I realize now that untrue repentance was holding me back. I could tell God of my wrongs, but I was reluctant to seek reconciliation.This was no easy task and I can still feel the weight heavy on my heart. I had this image of what restitution and reconciliation would look like for me. I realized it wasn’t that’s not going to be reality. The truth is that God is still showing me His plan and unlocking the doors to my new life with Him. The journey will be long, arduous and often exhausting. It’s a fight. We are at war with sin and when we think we’ve won, we are sure to be defeated. But I am equipped with the finest ammunition available: Christ.