Redemption Groups: Not For ME
We've asked a Redemption Group participant to blog their experience anonymously through our Fall 2014 cycle. Ultimately, the purpose is to bring glory to God for the good work He is/will be doing in the participant and others (Psalm 107).
I signed up for Redemption Groups because my marriage needs help. (Read: "My husband needs help" written in bold, arrogant font.) Even throughout the application process and answering some questions that provoked little more than self-righteousness, I still held tightly to my own innocence. Before the immersion weekend, I emailed my two closest girlfriends and asked for them to be praying. For my husband and my marriage. My fear even before we started was limited to my husband not having his own sort of breakthrough and walking out of this with nothing more than lost Monday nights and maintaining the marriage status quo.
There was a part of my heart that somehow knew that something was struggling within. My habitual and familiar response came shaped by my charismatic church background and gravitated towards a cry for freedom. "Lord, just free me from this burden. Ease my suffering. Stop the devil from hurting me. Deliver me. The troubles are not within me so take my hand and lead me out of this. Create the type of emotional experience right now that will fix me and raise me above my circumstances. Amen."
I felt very validated in this perspective as we read the Introduction to "Redemption" by Mike Wilkerson. Further into Chapter 1 I felt this deep consolation that my suffering was important and, considering my circumstances, I deserved a pat on the back and look of pity. Then Chapter 2 happened. He starts making references to sin and asks the reader about the response to suffering. He challenges whether (or not) we are willing to go through God's plan for and definition of redemption. I began to see that I was committed to redemption but only on my own terms. Self-improvement does not equal redemption and I am old enough (and know enough about God and my own humanity) to know that I absolutely cannot provide my own redemption.
I wrestled through the humility and brokenness when I saw (again but in some way for the first time) that my personality, intellect, accomplishments, and natural strengths are simply not enough to make things right. It's not enough to make my marriage "right," my husband "right," nor myself, parenting, appearances, or relationships. In fact, the revelation I'm having right now is formed from Romans 8: there is either life by the flesh or life by the Spirit. There isn't a "me in the middle, trying to make it all happen for the sake of goodness and right living." The flesh and the Spirit are the only two categories of life, they oppose each other completely, and I want to live by the Spirit.
My prayer, my heart's cry is now one of repentance. It's seeing that Christ has set me free and then taking ownership of my sin when I submit again to slavery (Galatians 5:1) It's less about asking for freedom and deliverance and more about being convicted to my core that I am a sinner. I need grace. I need the gospel. I need Jesus. I am not enough. But HE...oh He is so kind to lead me to repentance. That's where I want Him to take me. Whatever that looks like and for whatever He wants to accomplish for His glory. Deep breath and read this slowly: whether or not He does any more good to me or for me. Jesus is enough.