Redemption Groups: Seeing Myself in His Story

One current Redemption Group participant will be blogging their experience through this round of Redemption GroupsAs I walked into Redemption Group Tuesday night, I couldn’t help feelings of uneasiness, skepticism and, again, fear. It had only been three days since our intensive weekend and the weight of my story still pressed heavy on my soul. I admit I ran from Him rather than seeking comfort in Him after Saturday. I begrudgingly prepared myself for Week One.It began with a discussion about what it meant to be known by God. Not just known in the sense of He knows of you, your sins and your suffering, but an intimate “knowing” much like Adam and Eve shared in the Garden of Eden. He truly knows you. Pastor Ryan began with the Exodus story, explaining that each of us should be able to find ourselves in this story of the Israelites being led out of Egypt and out of their suffering. Honestly, I am not sure I have ever turned to Exodus in times of suffering and pain, so how was I to identify with the plight of the Israelites or see myself as Pharaoh?My head swirled as Pastor Ryan posed questions to the group: What does your darkness look like and where is God in that? What do you worship in times of pain? Would you rather be freed or known by God?As I sat in our small group and delved into these questions, I sat motionless and reflected. I listened to other members share. I was there, but not present.I was annoyed by this thought of worship. I don’t worship false idols or things beyond Him. As these words swirled in my head I realized I was staring not at the other’s faces, instead I was transfixed on my idol. It has been staring me right in the face. I looked up and tears swelled in my eyes as I heard someone say the word “guilt.” I got it.I am both. I am the Israelite. I have wandered the desert of my sorrow for what seems like 400 years shouting, “Abba! Father;” waiting for Him to free me. I have perfected the art of control. I force myself to do things that appear to be God’s goodness and sought freedom through those things. I concocted this image of what it meant to be loved by God, the distorted view that Him freeing me from the pain and suffering and the wandering was Him showing me He loved me. I wanted out, not in.I am Pharaoh, too. I have worshipped false idols and put my own wants before His. I have forced upon others my needs and wants above His needs and wants for me. I enslaved others in my wallow and self-pity and enslaved myself to the lies Satan tells us in our times of darkness.Conceptually, I know God loves me and has no shame or guilt in my past. In reality, I am fighting so hard to control the image I put before Him. I am fighting His love for me. Even in that moment sharing my sin with the others I felt shame. I couldn’t even look into their eyes because I felt unworthy of the words they spoke. I feel unworthy of God’s love.As hard as this realization is, it’s beautiful. I find it beautiful that God has allowed such transparency and vulnerability in a group of strangers because it’s only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness that we can discover the infinite power of His light.