Redemption Groups :: Intensive Weekend
One of our participants will be blogging their experience through this round of Redemption Groups. Here is their first post:I think it was safe to say each participant, myself included, all came into intensive weekend with unspoken expectations and anticipation of some kind. I sat somewhere between wanting to burst into tears pleading for help and dying to sprint to the door. We all sat awkwardly before the night got started, trying to be polite and not have conversations including, “So what are you in for?” and the like.
I sincerely began to wonder if I should have taken more consideration into my Redemption Group application. I’m pretty sure under the “I currently struggled with:” section I checked two boxes. If I would have known I’d be this nervous and anxious, I might have checked off more.Honestly, I wanted to do this until day one came. We were expected to have our stories prepared and ready to tell. Before my life had turned into an unspeakable mess, this would not have really bothered me. However my life did turn into an unspeakable mess, so I sat in my seat terrified. I was terrified of the other girls in my group, the leaders, and even the idea that I am going to be talking to them about things I can barely talk to God about. I can thank God for my food and all kinds of premeditated generic prayers, but this is different. It’s one of the many reasons I’m here though, my shame.Thankfully all anxiousness left when we were told day one actually consisted of worship, Pastor Ryan preaching, and listening to the leaders tell their stories of redemption. Seeing the strength in their vulnerability encouraged me, until the next morning. Day two I sat nearly paralyzed in Pastor Jim’s preaching and then we were dismissed into our groups again because it was now time to tell our stories.Story telling looked different for everyone and everyone had a different struggle. Lies in my head kept telling me, “leave that part out”, “leave this part out”, “it’s fine”, or “you’re fine.” My story fell out of my mouth in an unplanned and scatterbrained mess. When I was done, I tore my eyes from the floor to look up into their faces. Half of me was waiting for them to say something as insulting as “I understand” or “It’s ok because you are forgiven.” The other half was waiting for them to say “Leave”, neither of which happened. By the end of the day, my group sat feeling exposed but hopeful. We knew each other’s darkest of sins and felt prepared to face Christ to make sense of our stories together. We revealed the idols we have made in our lives and I already knew mine was approval from others. It’s written all over me, I just never really let myself bear the weight that this terrified, minimizing, and heavily guarded mess I’ve become is the exact same way I sit in front of God.
Lies in my head kept telling me, “leave that part out”, “leave this part out”, “it’s fine”, or “you’re fine.”
I told them, God already knows my mess, and here I sit wrestling with wondering what He sees. They didn’t leave. Maybe there is a chance that even through my sin and when the walls I’ve built up are knocked down, He can look down and say “I see so much of My Son in you.” I was a fighter once. Maybe by the end of this process, the fighter I used to be won’t be wounded on the ground. Maybe there is something to this “predestined for greatness” thing. Maybe I will see the joy in Christ's faithfulness and feel conviction in my wandering heart causing me to bleed for Christ abundantly. If there is one thing I feel like this weekend has given me, it’s a kind of hope that comes from perfect Love and the fact that it is shaking me to the core, scares me a little.
We knew each other’s darkest of sins and felt prepared to face Christ to make sense of our stories together.
For more information on Redemption Groups go here.