Singleness and the Gift of Sex

Sex, singleness, and marriage. Each of those words carries a number of meanings that have been formed and fashioned out of various experiences in my life. And until recently none of those meanings were biblical. Each has carried weight as an idol, as an ultimate desire, as a way to find fulfillment or purpose. And each has failed. Each has been scarred by sin, both my own and others’, and often defined by the deep wounds and hurts that resulted. I’ve been nervously expectant to see how God works in my life as we journey through the Sex, Singleness, and Marriage series at The Paradox. It would be a lot easier to say that I won’t be directly affected by this series because I’m not married. But I know that each week will directly confront distortions and sinful views I’ve held in the past and reveal some I still struggle with. This series is just as much for me as a single 33-year-old as it is for anyone courting/dating, engaged, newly married, or married for years.When it comes to sex and being single, it’s easy to believe the lie that I am being denied the gift of sex, that this is something God is withholding from me because I’m not married. This false belief has most often lead to the distorted view of sex as god, as the ultimate prize, and an indulgence in sexual sin.But when I view sex in light of the biblical explanations of how sex is a gift, it is hard to see it as a gift outside of the covenant of marriage.1. Sex is for pleasureOften the approach in teaching abstinence either leaves this out altogether, or distorts it so much that there appears to be no possible way that sex could be pleasurable. Which is completely contradictory to the mountains of evidence that pleasure is the aspect of sex that is most sought after by our culture. Sex was created for pleasure. But when sex happens outside of marriage, pleasure is robbed by insecurities, feelings of guilt and shame, nagging questions about the level of commitment within the relationship, or disappointment when the next sexual encounter doesn’t provide the same pleasurable experience.2. Sex is for making babiesIf ever there was a reason to save sex for marriage, for me, this is it. When sex is pursued outside of marriage, the idea of children, reproduction, the reason we have sex in the most biological of explanations, becomes the most feared. Often a primary objective in sex outside of marriage is preventing children. However, it is clear that prevention of children is not part of God’s design for sex. The prevalence of birth control options, the rising abortion rates, the epidemic of single-parent households all show that outside of marriage, sex is more a curse than gift.3. Sex is for onenessSex is literally joining two bodies as one. There is a connection shared, a bond made – a bond that is not broken just because the bodies are no longer joined. For women especially, this bond is more than just physical. There are hormones released that create feelings of bonding, nurturing, and caretaking (very useful if a baby is made, by the way). Our bodies tell us that we are connected to the person we are having sex with no matter what level of commitment there may be in the relationship. Again turning what was designed to be a part of the gift of sex into a curse.4. Sex is for knowledgeWe all want to be known -- to truly have that level of intimacy and knowledge of our innermost thoughts, fears, and motivations. The level of vulnerability implicit in sexual intimacy brings feelings of knowing and being known, and when this is not supported by the commitment of marriage, these feelings are false. It makes it all too easy to believe there are stronger feelings in the relationship than are really there. And makes the hurt that much deeper when the relationship fails.5. Sex is for protectionSex within marriage is a gift for protecting sex within the marriage. By indulging in sexual sin outside of marriage we lower our view of sex; it loses meaning; it becomes just an act of selfishly satisfying our own physical needs without concern for how it might affect others. Without the redemptive work of Jesus, we carry this lowered view of sex into marriage and it can become a source of jealousy, self-doubt, and strife between husband and wife. And what was designed to offer protection offers no protection at all.6. Sex is for comfortFor all the reasons listed above, there is little comfort to be found in sex outside of marriage. The moment of escape creates more problems than it solves, causes more anxiety than stress relief, and the sin separates us from the source of our ultimate comfort, Jesus.Praise Jesus that he frees us from the bondage of sexual sin! His death cleanses me from all the shame and guilt of a past defiled by a selfish pursuit of sex. And He continues to remind me that He alone is my pleasure, my protection, my comfort, and that I am known more fully than I could ever imagine.Listen to the sermons in the Sex, Singleness, & Marriage series hereTara is a covenant partner at The Paradox Church, a Redemption Group Leader, and a member of the Fairmount City Group