A Father to the Fatherless

By Matt AllenDeacon of Worship and the ArtsBy the time I was seven months old, my alcoholic, abusive, cheating biological father had exited the picture. We've never met or spoken. I know his name and I loosely understand the events leading up to my mom's first divorce but I've never seen him face-to-face.My mom remarried a man who raised me and became my dad when he legally adopted me when I was two. She was married to him for 21 years.Friends always asked questions about my biological father when I was growing up. "Do you want to meet him?” “What questions would you have for him?”Frankly, I never really thought I cared.There has always been a callous on my heart when it comes to my biological father. He had been the cause of suffering, and never had my good in his sight.Looking back, I think the thought of ever actually meeting him face-to-face scared me in ways I never would admit. Meeting him would be difficult. It would mean dealing with things. Underneath an apathetic exterior lived questions, emotions and pain that I simply never wanted to deal with while growing up.I had no questions because he never cared about me. Questions weren’t worth asking.In response to a terrible father, I emotionally hardened to his distant, unloving hateful choices.In my Porterbrook cohort we were reflecting over the question "What questions would you ask God?" to examine ways that we wrongfully judge God and demand that He answer questions about the reason for our suffering.In a single moment, the Spirit illuminated something completely different to me.In ways that I had never seen before, I realized how much I thought God was like my biological father.What questions do I have for God? None. God is sovereign. Who am I to question God? Our God sits in the heavens; he does all that He pleases. Any questions that I might have I've easily dismissed through a theological framework.I've used that theological platitude to become calloused and emotionless in my own suffering. I believed the lie that God, like my biological father, didn't have my good in sight. I subconsciously believed a lie that He was distant in my suffering and that He didn't care for me. It was always easier to dismiss questions than to seek Him in my suffering.I responded to God the same way I responded to my biological father when growing up. What questions do I have? A lot! Why is my family in shambles? Why did my mom and dad get divorced this past year? Why are both of my grandmothers fighting cancer? Why haven't certain things happened how I wanted?Seeing people in the midst of suffering is difficult because we must deal with the issues. Meeting my biological father in the midst of suffering would be painful because his actions have never been indicative of love, his distance never revealing any grace, his lies never exposing truth. God as my Father is the complete inverse of this.God has always had my good in His sight. His love towards me has been made evident time and time again. His presence and closeness reveals His unending grace to me. His truth washes over me like a flood.I was reminded of God's ever-pursuant love towards me as my Father. He loves me! This love has been set on me since before time began through the grace of Christ's death. In response to a gracious Father, I can emotionally seek His face and don't have to callous myself under the guise of a theological framework.I can truly rest in the sovereignty of God without using it as a mask to avoid dealing with emotions. I am loved and I am known in ways that I could never fathom. Through famine and prosperity, joy and suffering, I have a Heavenly Father who cares for me in ways that no one on this earth ever could.At it’s core, the Porterbrook program is two years of biblical, practical, and affordable theological education with the goal not just of growing in knowledge, but in character and mission in day-to-day life.  Find out more about Porterbrook.