Beautiful Brokenness
By Anna GuilloryWe were made to know each other.To really know each other.But I don’t always believe it.Before moving four hours away from my home of 12 years, God had steadily been planting a very long conversation about brokenness on my heart. I realized that I didn't really know the people that I had known for so long. This conversation was long and stagnant. It stayed behind the wall of my own heart, but I was quick to realize it everywhere outside of me. Brokenness.It took a long time to realize that looking like Jesus didn't mean coming off as perfect and put together. It took a long time to realize that looking like Jesus isn't being Jesus.I haven’t had one specific moment of transformation or an overwhelming experience that I always remember whenever I think of how I came to live in the light of the Good News. It has been an unfolding story.He is continually ripping up my weeds in the seasons of my life when I most need them to be yanked away. I give up to Him in small surrenders.This stripping of my my pride and self-dependency is unexpectedly restorative. It doesn't leave me empty. It doesn't leave me feeling alone. It doesn't leave me feeling any less of a person than before.But I don’t always believe it.I still don’t know exactly what caused me to make the 5 minute walk to South University City Group on that Wednesday evening three weeks ago, but I can remember what almost made me turn back: my brokenness.So next, I’m sitting down, now the third time to enter into the home of 3236 South University Drive, and I still don’t know why I’m drawn here.I too often believe that the gospel is present only where I expect it to be present and “prepare” my heart accordingly. This can cause me to live a compartmentalized life that doesn't see how the gospel applies to my entire life. But the gospel was present at South University, and this time I wasn't prepared.As we spoke, the belief that I’m not enough rose again. But then I heard the heart of a sister who also lives in constant denial of her current situation. The beautiful reality that I am loved, despite me, struck hard. I was living believing that no one else cared.It almost came on too fast, yet it was beautiful.I spoke of my brokenness in a way that I never had before.Where was the raising of hands? We’re sitting in a circle so shouldn't we be "sharing" in a specific order?Honest words struck me in a way they hadn't in so long. Truth had been covered up by spiritual generalities. It was hidden and sugar-coated by phrases from popular go-to Christian books and commonly quoted bible verses. I had lost sight of the gospel because of “let me fix your heart fast” remedies.Jesus continues to captivate me with the idea that we have the overwhelming capacity to love people further everyday without ceasing. We never reach the brim of enough. And just a taste of that kind of driving love is the sweetest thing I have seen in every one of you I have met at The Paradox.Keep me attuned, new brothers and sisters, and stand ready to push back pride. Let’s embrace all we are, in mess and mercy, in favor and love. I love you all and your welcoming and open arms.