How Jesus Changed Me - Annie

I was born into a family with two loving, Jesus-following parents. From as far back as I remember, we went to church on Sundays, we prayed before meals, and my mom woke up early every morning to read her bible and spend time with Jesus. As far as I could tell, my brothers were Christians, too.In 7^th or 8^th grade, I was baptized and confirmed at church. I remember both days as fun and celebratory and I really thought I was making a commitment to Jesus. However, I had no knowledge of the comfort and love that Jesus offered. I expected something to change inside of me, that suddenly I could be carefree and light-hearted but I was still overtaken with fear and insecurity.The first day of summer after 8^th grade is when I became body-conscious. All of a sudden my fear shifted, and I became terrified of gaining weight. Oddly enough, food became my comforter during this time. I became obsessed with eating. I turned to food multiple times throughout the day to soothe whatever was going on inside of me that I didn’t want to feel. By the end of my sophomore year of high school, I was at an all time low. I hated myself and I was convinced that I was completely unworthy of love.That summer my parents made me go to a Young Life camp called Frontier Ranch. At camp, the Lord revealed his great and perfect love for me. In all the time I had spent at church, around Christian people, and at a Christian school, I had somehow missed how Jesus dying on the cross for my sins related to my life NOW. I had missed how he loved me NOW, exactly as I was. He blew my mind that week and I accepted him as my Savior on July 31, 2004.  He completely changed my heart! I had a newfound joy and peace that had never been present before! I came home a changed person, walking in light of His perfect love for me. However, the demands of being a teenage girl slowly crept back into my life. I was still seeking Jesus but I lacked a community of people to love and pour into me. My growth felt kind of stunted.

"I had somehow missed how Jesus dying on the cross for my sins related to my life NOW. I had missed how he loved me NOW, exactly as I was."

 By April of 2005, things felt like they were spiraling out of control emotionally.  I hated myself and I was again over-taken by fear. I struggled with a fear of gaining weight, fear of relationships, fear of not being accepted by my peers and my parents. In an attempt to control how I felt, I began controlling what I ate. By the end of school that year, I had lost 50 pounds and was at an absolute low. The summer dragged on as I wasted away into almost nothing. I became isolated and depressed. I knew Jesus was with me but I did not believe His love was enough. Shortly after my senior year began, I was admitted to the hospital to begin an in-patient treatment program for my diagnosis of anorexia nervosa. This was the worst day of my life. I felt completely trapped and alone. I slowly began reading my bible and again, I began to realize my desperate need for Jesus. As I recovered, he continued to reveal more and more of himself to me. Shortly after I left the in-patient phase of my program, I began counseling.By the grace of our Jesus, I was able to leave for TCU less than a year after my diagnosis. I continued to struggle with restricting food and then a binge eating disorder throughout college. However, during all this Jesus was so good. He brought me into a community who loved me and spoke constant truth to me. For the first time in my life, I was combatting the lies I had always believed with biblical truth about who I was in Christ. I actually started believing I was worthy of being loved. Not by anything I had done, but because of everything Jesus has done.  What freedom!In December of 2010, I met my sweet husband Derek Carson at a wedding in Little Rock, AR.  He was the wedding singer. We began dating and a short time later, he asked me to be his wife. While we were dating we began attending the Paradox together, thanks to Darcie Nicholson, my younger but wiser friend. We became partners at the Paradox after we got engaged.  The Lord has continued to reveal himself to me through Jim’s preaching, his word, and my family here at the Paradox. 

"For the first time in my life, I was combatting the lies I had always believed with biblical truth about who I was in Christ."

 I still fight living up to my own standards and believing lies about my worth.  However, I stand here today knowing that the love of Jesus is and always will be enough! His love for me is unchanging and perfect. He brings me perfect peace. I can rest each day knowing that I am his precious child, lacking nothing because of Jesus! He chose a long time ago to love me, despite of me! What grace! I am continually amazed at how he is teaching me and revealing himself to me!Annie is a member of The Commons City Group.Annie was baptized in September. Our next baptisms will be in 2013, contact Nick England if you would like to be baptized.