How Jesus Changed Me - Jessica

I started going to church again about two years ago with my boyfriend at the time. I remember stopping to look around one Sunday during worship. It was the scene I had been apart of so many times before. I was in a room full of people closing their eyes, raising their hands and singing loudly, love songs to Jesus. God graciously filled me with doubt that day. I started thinking about the lyrics and realized I loved my boyfriend standing next to me more than I loved Jesus. Why? Because I knew the man next to me. I quickly brushed the thought out of my mind and told myself I'd deal with it later. Afterwards, I started listening to podcasts and Christian audio books at work all day, trying to fill my life with Christian things so that I could understand and maybe grow to love Jesus more. Little did I know, that was not the answer to my problem.And one day in late June of last year God got a hold of my heart. I had been listening to Francis Chan's Crazy Love all day. I was broken, I realized my whole life I had been lying to myself. I didn't really know Jesus. I came home got on my knees and wept and pleaded with the Lord for what felt like hours. I told him to show me Himself. I was done with this life and He could have it. I didn't want it anymore and I was ready to live truly for him. In that moment something happened to my heart. I know it sounds cliché but I could finally see. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and I knew from that moment forward life would never be the same again. 

"I was broken, I realized my whole life I had been lying to myself. I didn't really know Jesus."

 A few months later my past came back to haunt me.Years ago I was in a relationship that was both mentally and physically abusive. This kind of thing does a number on your mind and your self-esteem. I believed the lie that I wasn't good enough and that nobody else would want me. This relationship was everything to me and I needed it. My life depended on it and it was my identity. I did some pretty awful things to myself during that time. One of those included cutting. I was in a dark place and the emotional pain was just too much to deal with, but physical pain I could manage. It was an outward expression of what I was feeling on the inside. I did it often.I got out of that relationship but old habits die hard and I ended up carrying it into my next relationship. When times would get hard the itch to cut again would always rise up and I would give in. I eventually toughened up and decided I wasn't going to be that weakling anymore. I remember being in the bathroom, tears running down my face, razor blade in hand and just throwing it down, I was mad. I didn't want to be that girl.A few months after I became a Christian I was struggling through a difficult time in my life, and that urge came back. The enemy had found my weakness. I knew I would never actually cut again, but why was this thought even crossing my mind? I wasn't mad like I had been before. Instead I was filled with shame.A friend lovingly pointed me back to the gospel in Romans 8. That there is no condemnation for those of us in Christ Jesus. That Jesus paid for that shame I was feeling on the cross. That the beauty of the cross is I no longer have to bear it because he did.After this struggle I got Isaiah 43:1 tattooed on my arm, the same arm I use to cut. It is a constant reminder of my new identity, my identity in Christ. I have been redeemed. He chose me, despite knowing me, and the God of the universe looks at me and says "mine". 

"..the God of the universe, looks at me and says 'mine'."

 Jessica is a member of the Monticello City Group.Jessica was baptized in September. Our next baptisms will be in 2013, contact Nick England if you would like to be baptized.