How Jesus Changed Me - Lacey

Within the past few months Jesus has been moving in my life and marriage like never before. My husband, Jared, and I have had types of conversation that we've never had before, we've asked questions we never thought to ask, and it has brought us closer to Jesus and each other.When thinking and praying about what to share I began to feel shame over what my past looks like. Though I am redeemed the lie ever presents itself that I should feel shame. Jesus is so faithful to remind me (again, and again, and again) that He redeems me, He cleanses me, He forgives me, He took my sin and the sin done against me once and for all, and I bear it no more. So I am free to share without shame. Without guilt. Without wondering what you're thinking as you're reading this. Jesus has healed me and I am free. 

"Jesus is so faithful to remind me that He redeems me, He cleanses me, He forgives me, He took my sin and the sin done against me once and for all, and I bear it no more."

When I was four, maybe five years old - I was sexually abused by a trusted family friend. After that night I tried to put it behind me. I began denying, lying, hiding, anything I could do to separate myself as far as I could from that night. I believed the lies of silence and secrecy. I believed that Jesus left me that night. I believed that if He truly loved me then He would have stopped it. I believed that if He was truly God then He would have gotten down off of that cross and rescued me.April 22nd, the sermon was Selfish/Servant Lovers. I resonated with so many points Pastor Jim was making, but I wanted to ignore most of them. I didn't want to own the loving conviction. When we were all worshipping toward the end of the service, I felt Jesus tell me, "It's time". I knew exactly what He meant - it's time to deal with the abuse. It's time to stop hiding.I cried, took communion, and went to the back to talk to my Redemption Group leader, Tara. I told her what was going on, that I couldn't hold it together anymore, and that I hadn't told Jared that I was struggling (read: never stopped struggling with my sexual abuse). She told me that it was wrong for me to try and hold it all together because I don't have to. She said I need to be honest with Jared because I am keeping him from taking this to Jesus also.  On the way home I told Jared that I knew I was the "selfish lover" type; I am a consumer. I wasn't pursuing him because of my insecurities, my fear, and my selfishness. I had a view of sex as "gross" that needed to be redeemed.Jesus revealed to me where the majority of my issues stemmed from - the sexual abuse I was running from. Jared already knew about the sexual abuse, but I was able to confess that I still struggled with it. I shared about my shame, and how much I wanted to pretend like none of this happened. After I finished sharing Jared asked me if I wanted to pray about it. "Um, no", was my initial response. I didn't want to go to Jesus with this. I felt that Jesus should have come to me for an apology first then maybe He and I could talk about this. I wanted answers from Jesus - I did not want to confess my brokenness. Jared encouraged me to be totally honest with Jesus about how I was feeling about the sexual abuse and my feelings toward Jesus.  Jared and I prayed while sitting in my car in the garage and I confessed my unbelief in Jesus, my distrust, and my pain. I wanted answers more than anything because I thought if I could just have that then there's justification for why this happened. Jesus did not give me answers - Jesus gave me Himself. In that in moment, in my car, Jesus healed me!! He took my broken spirit and filled me with new life! 

"I wanted answers more than anything...Jesus did not give me answers - Jesus gave me Himself."

I am the one in four (who has been sexually abused), but that's not what Jesus sees when He looks at me…  He sees his daughter whom He calls, "Pure" and loves. Since that day, Jared and I have reached new depths in our marriage and friendship. We most definitely still have our struggles, but Jesus is bigger. Walking through this with Jesus and Jared has been life changing. I am so thankful for my husband and his love for Jesus. He pushes me to Jesus constantly, and it is such an honor to be his wife.Lacey Kesler is a member of the Southwest Fort Worth City Group.You can get all the content from the Sex, Singleness, & Marriage series here.If you would like to share how Jesus changed you email Ryan.