I have a messiah complex
We've asked a Redemption Groups participant to blog their experience anonymously through our Fall 2015 cycle. Ultimately, the purpose is to bring glory to God for the good work He is/will be doing in the participant and others (Psalm 107).
I have a messiah complex. That’s an incredibly arrogant mindset to have, especially given my personal relationship with the True Messiah.
As a teenager, well-meaning adults motivated me and other youth to break out of our self-centeredness by caring for the needs of others. They said things like:• You’re the only Jesus some people will ever see.• Be the hands and feet of Christ.• What would Jesus do?
In the name of ministry my entire Christian life has been spent getting involved with struggling people in hopes of encouraging, helping, “saving” them. On the surface, that seems noble, and I’d like to think my initial motives were of God, but somewhere along the way I distorted it.The majority of my life has been lived in one of the three phases of a vicious cycle: heroics, burnout, or depression.Heroic days looked like being a house parent at a children’s home, counseling teenagers with eating disorders, ministering to students involved in a church shooting, caring for terminally ill family members, and mentoring a mentally ill individual whose “testimony” was a lie.Burnout manifested as mono, a leave of absence, job resignations, and moving to another state.
I found myself on a highway, aiming my car at a concrete pylon under an overpass.
Depression is debilitating: unkempt days struggling to get out of bed and engage with the world intermingled with suicidal thoughts. Each cycle led to a deeper depression than the previous one until I found myself on a highway, aiming my car at a concrete pylon under an overpass.Something needed to change or this cycle would be the death of me… literally.My version of repentance has been to run away from trying to “save” the people God puts in my path. I disengaged. I stopped getting involved with other people’s messiness. But disconnecting isn’t what God’s called me to do either. I can’t live in isolation or dodge sin like a land mine.Enter Redemption Groups.One intense weekend in and I’ve been forced to face the root cause of my sin, why I long to play savior: I don’t like how God handles suffering. We’re studying the Israelite exodus. For 430 years they were enslaved before God intervened. In the big picture, it’s a beautiful story of redemption. Up closer, there were so many individuals whose births, lives, and deaths all occurred in bondage. They cried out to a God who heard them but waited to act. God saved the Israelite nation, but what about the individuals who made up the nation and knew nothing but slavery?I wrestle with thinking God moves too slowly. In the depths of my soul, I wonder if He’s good. My head affirms that He is, but my heart struggles to believe.“I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.”