Jesus' Church: Erin Dunn
Erin Dunn is a part of the Ridglea City Group, attends the 5pm Sunday gathering, and serves with the finance team. This is her story. This is what Jesus is doing in his church.
My family and I were a part of a wonderful church body where I spent four years being challenged and taught, and I flourished in my knowledge of who Jesus is. For four years, I came in on Sunday mornings and became extraordinarily comfortable in being a gluttonous believer – getting fat on the Truth of the Word and the Gospel without any real requirement to pour out.I loved it.So, when God called me from that place of sinful comfort to a place of extreme discomfort – church planting – I dug in my heels and ran from it for months. You know that never works. On a Sunday morning four years ago this week, I sat in a living room and fell madly in love with the idea of showing my city my Jesus. I fell in love with the people and the call of Jesus to love them, serve them, lead them, and pour my fat self out for the sake of His name in their hearts.
"I sat in a living room and fell madly in love with the idea of showing my city my Jesus."
We walked in the joyful trenches of messy life together for two, happy years. We grew out of The Living Room and moved to a nearby elementary school. We met a lot of hurting people. We served teachers, homeless, outcast, forgotten, broken and each other. Being smack in the middle of that kind of mess together lit me up and my delight in the Lord took a nose dive into the deep, life-giving waters of who my Savior is. I began to view every other aspect of my world through the goggles of that call – every gift I had, every possession, most thoughts – all became shrouded in that church, that mission. I emptied myself into that mission. All the spiritual fat I’d stored up in my life began emptying out and turning into productive, spiritual muscle. I began to see the Bride of Christ in new ways and my heart soared.For reasons I still can’t explain, all that goodness and beauty and growth came to an ugly, painful, sin damaged, screeching halt. Just shy of our third birthday, Jesus called His church there to cease and those of us from The Living Room were faced with the excruciating choice to hold our church in our grasp for our purpose, or loosen the grip on His church, for His purpose.
"My love for God’s people blew up into a billion teeny-tiny fragments. Me and Jesus – that is all I wanted; all I trusted."
For months, my used-to-be soaring heart became weighted by the hurt of betrayal and sin. There was an unbelievable amount of devastation from the very lives that I had poured so much into. My soul became enticed by the idea of going back to being spiritually fat. And my love for God’s people blew up into a billion teeny-tiny fragments. Me and Jesus – that is all I wanted; all I trusted. I had wanted to so desperately walk in the radical calling, drink from the cup Jesus offered, and breathe in the peace of that obedience. I never knew (and still can’t articulate) how with all of the rejoicing and growth I experienced in following that call, there would be so much excruciating pain and betrayal.
As He does, our Lord continued to whisper His faithfulness to my wimpy soul. He held my broken heart in His sufficient hands. He gave human arms to hold me and human ears to listen to me as I grieved. He led me to, of all things – a church plant, in my city – where all the things I prayed for and hoped for from The Living Room that had died a painful death, had grown to fruition in these beautiful gatherings of a different family that was a year younger. I sat in the seats of Van Cliburn Hall for months, weeping and listening to the messages of brokenness and restoration; grieving my loss, and terrified at the idea of sharing life with a new family. Eventually, I sat in the Partnership Class soaking up every word and crying as they discussed the heart behind and intent for City Groups. My heart knew that kind of life on mission for the sake of the gospel and ached for it, but was also overwhelmed in fear of the sacrifice it requires and the risk of that kind of investment. In many ways, it still is.
"I sat in the seats of Van Cliburn Hall for months, weeping and listening to the messages of brokenness and restoration; grieving my loss, and terrified at the idea of sharing life with a new family."
It has taken me a year and a half of being the recipient of the same pouring out that seems so familiar, for me to find some rest in the arms of Jesus called The Paradox.And while I weep as I write, I wonder if I would do it all over again. I think I would – because I know that He is worth every second of pain and betrayal – He suffered so much more on my behalf than I have suffered for Him.I know that He is worth it.The Spirit continues to grow me and heal me through His people. He continues to whisper callings in my heart and I am becoming pleasantly surprised when I realize that I have missed the fellowship of my City Group. I’m surprised when they want to hug me. God is not just healing, but growing my affections for His people. It is a fight to trust Him and to trust His people and enter back into relationships but He is faithfully leading me there.I weep when we sing,Spirit, lead me when my trust is without bordersLet me walk upon the waters wherever you would call meTake me deeper than my feet could ever wanderAnd my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.It is a prayer that my spirit didn’t have the ability to utter. I trust Him – I would have never known where that would lead me. I want to go wherever He calls me, I really do. Is it scary? Yes. I could never have happened into this great romance on my own and He has taken me so much deeper than I even knew I wanted to go. And my faith is getting stronger.
"God is not just healing, but growing my affections for His people. It is a fight to trust Him and to trust His people and enter back into relationships but He is faithfully leading me there."
Our God called me to a great unknown and I found Him in a mysterious way that I still can’t explain. My faith is being grown, my dependency on Christ taking new, stronger shapes every day. My confidence in my identity is slowly strengthening – which means a certainty that I am His and He is mine. In the very deepest waters, I have seen and found the guide of His great grace. Fear has surrounded me and overwhelmed me. My feet have failed. But He has truly never failed… and He won’t start now.
