How Jesus Changed Me: Bailey Green
Bailey Green leads the Benbrook City Group with her husband Jeff, they attend the 5pm Sunday gathering, and she is a PRDX Kids leader. Bailey and Jeff recently participated in a Redemption Group Immersion. This is her story. This is what Jesus is doing in his church. Redemption Groups wrecked me in the best possible way. I went into the Redemption Group Immersion defiant because of the pain I had seen so many people face and prideful because I didn’t think I needed redemption. When my leader asked me why I was there, it was simply “because Pastor Ryan told me to.”
"I didn’t think I needed redemption."
It was beautiful to watch God move through the ladies in the room—for the Holy Spirit to reveal lies and to show them that He is their only hope. But I still wasn’t sold. I went into Redemption Group (RG) struggling with the character of God, with doubts, and with the fear that surrounded those. My leaders encouraged me to cry out and ask “Are you good, Lord? Help me in my unbelief!” I felt exposed throughout the whole process. I’d been uncovered; they knew that I didn’t have it all together. How could I question something as foundational as the goodness of God?
"I felt exposed throughout the whole process. I’d been uncovered; they knew that I didn’t have it all together."
When it came time to begin my Psalm project, I was shown how deep my sin ran. I wanted everyone to think that I had done RG right—that I had gone through the checklist of repentance and come out on the other side worshipping. By the end of Friday I was emotionally spent. I didn’t want to face any more wreckage, so I fashioned a Psalm together that tied it all up in a bow so the questions would cease. They did, but God wasn’t done with me.He made me sit in my lies and embarrassment of convincing my group that there was nothing left to redeem. I went to the RG Celebration not worshipful, but sorrowful (and not sorrowful for my sin at this point, but for my self-image). I confessed to my husband Jeff that night, still feeling heavy. The morning came, and my eyes were finally opened to deep self-worship. It wasn’t primarily that I didn’t trust my group, it was primarily that I didn’t trust God to meet me in my place of need, so I needed to redeem myself.
"I didn’t trust God to meet me in my place of need, so I needed to redeem myself."
In the days following RG, God led me to write a new Psalm—a true account of my RG experience:Twelve eyes on me. Fraud! Fake! I give them a piece, but only enough to whet their appetites. I hold the rest locked away. I deflect quickly when they get warmer—what will they think? The thought of being naked terrifies me—every area of insecurity laid bare. Can they be trusted? Can He be trusted? I doubt He will come, so I pretty myself up like a little girl using mommy’s makeup—they see right through me. He sees right through me—a whitewashed tomb. But I put the bow on again so I can’t be reopened—unable to face what I’ve done. Embarrassed by it all.The weight is heavy.But in my doubt of who I am and who He is, He meets me. Scared not just to be naked, but alone and naked in the wilderness; He pitches a tent to cover me. I’m not out of the wilderness yet, but it is enough to know He is near.
"I had to “fail” RG for God to show me my depravity and, graciously, His glory."
Even as I write this, my temptation is to believe that you won’t believe me, that I got it wrong, and I’m embarrassed yet again for not doing RG “right.” But the Lord is quick to show me that yep, I am a liar, I am a self-worshiper, and I am full of pride in my works. But He sees His Son and that I am forgiven, free! God used RG exactly the way He wanted; I had to “fail” RG for God to show me my depravity and, graciously, His glory. Finally, I come out on the other side, full of worship.Consider participating in our fall cycle of Redemption Groups. Visit here for info, schedule, and to apply. Deadline for applications is Sunday, September 7th.