My Eating Disorder and The Gospel
I believed lies about myself for far too long.
At a very young age I learned that “fat” was bad, something I could never be. When I was 16, I began restricting what I ate. I told myself I should be thinner, I should be more fit, and I should eat less. Within two months, I lost nearly 50 pounds that I did not have to lose. I convinced those around me that I was being “healthy,” that this was a good thing. I lied, and they believed me.
Two months later, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I never completely stopped eating (I was too obsessed with food for that) but I did not eat enough to maintain my weight. I spent the first month of my senior year of high school in an in-patient program for young girls diagnosed with Anorexia and Bulimia.
“My whole world became consumed by food. When am I going to eat? Where am I going to eat? How much will I let myself eat?”
A year later I went to college and began to struggle with a binge eating disorder. Different struggle, same idol. Everyone overeats on occasion but binge eating occurs when a person consumes unusually large amounts of food, often in secret. My whole world became consumed by food. When am I going to eat? Where am I going to eat? How much will I let myself eat? I ached for some sort of control yet continued to find myself spiraling out of control. I hated who I was, and I saw no way out.
We all worship. We were made to do so. No problems there. The problem is the object of our worship. The things I worshipped for so long left me completely empty, unfulfilled, and hopeless. You see, this post isn’t really just for those who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder, but also for those who have allowed themselves to be slaves to food, the scale, counting calories, a false sense of control, or seeking an identity in anything outside of Jesus.
“This post isn’t really just for those who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder, but also for those who have allowed themselves to be slaves to food.”
In His mercy, Jesus has shown me that nothing will satisfy my soul other than the perfect love He has for me. I willingly allowed myself to be enslaved to something that would never satisfy. In Galatians 5:1 Paul says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yolk of slavery.” What hope we have in Jesus! I have freedom! I don’t have to be a slave to food and control because Jesus died so that I could be free! Jesus died for THIS.
He died that I may have abundant life (John 10:10). Abundant life doesn’t come from counting calories or from seeing a satisfactory number on a scale. Those things are fleeting! The love of Jesus remains the same. He remains the same!
So here I am at 26, with a heart that Jesus continues to redeem. There has been no quick fix. Change began to happen when I realized that I had a worship issue. I absolutely worshipped food. I worshipped control. I took these “good” things and made them my God.
“There has been no quick fix. Change began to happen when I realized that I had a worship issue.”
I still struggle. I go to war daily with my worship of food and control. I have to surrender these things constantly. It doesn’t take much before I find myself returning to it. But I have the hope and joy of knowing that I have a Savior and Redeemer to fight for me. I don’t have to fix myself. I don’t have to get it together. I depend on a God who is powerful enough to change my wicked heart, yet intimate enough to know me and meet me in my desperate need.
In Philippians Paul says, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (1:6). It won’t be today or tomorrow, but He will complete this good work he’s started in me.