Porterbrook :: Red Flags of Grace

Porterbrook is practical, biblical theological training for everyone. Below is an assignment from Deacon of Administration, Jessica McCorkle. If you are interested in joining us for our next round of Porterbrook email Daniel Reynolds at daniel@theparadoxchurch.comIt crept in silently, so I wouldn’t know that it was there. It made itself comfortable sifting deeper into my heart, weaving in and out so I couldn’t even tell what was what. Pride started placing not only a long root, but also an intricate web of root systems all over my heart. God was gracious and He started to point this weed out to me. Red flags started popping up and I wanted nothing more than to have it gone.The first red flag of grace was my prayer life. I prayed. I prayed a lot. But I prayed for a lot of other people. I never talked to God about my own heart; I never really wanted to look at it. It was far easier to pray for other people that were struggling and beg for growth in their hearts. Sermons on Sundays started bouncing off of me, the Bible seemed like a newspaper, and there was not much repentance and confession in my heart, because I never spent two seconds examining my own self. I was on cruise control, apathetic towards my own growth and outward focused. This was the first realization that I was being incredibly prideful. I was not recognizing that I was, and am, in constant need of God’s help and grace. I had this facade that I could do it I guess, or that I was just too scared to see the sinfulness in there. There was much confession of my spiritual bankruptcy and asking God for eyes to see my own sin, for things to be revealed to me… for growth, for me to squash my self-reliance and self-righteousness. 

“By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom.” – Proverbs 13:10

 He was gracious to do so. I began seeing more and more of my own sin. This, thank goodness, didn’t drive me to despair, it directed me to an ever growing glorious picture of God’s grace and mercy. Though with asking for more of my heart to be reveled, he answered my prayer – through scripture and my discipleship group. But another grace-filled red flag came up.Shawn and I sat down on the couch and he asked me how I was doing. How I was growing in my pride. How my heart was. I could barely muster a few short statements. I was being prideful while talking to him about my growth in my pride. Everything in me screamed against my tender husband loving and pursuing me, asking heart questions and trying to sharpen me. This wasn’t the first time this pride came up – this was a pattern. I could feel a heavy, physical weight on my chest. I didn’t want anything to do with his pursuit. After I was alone I would cry out to God. I didn’t want this! I repented of the hardness toward my husband. I wanted his pursuit, I knew he was doing it out of love. I knew I was sinning against the God of the universe in this horrible pride that ran deep in my heart, and I was sinning against my husband. I was not glorifying God, I was not respecting my husband, I was not growing as I could, and I was jipping myself of the fullness of joy to be had in Christ! These things all were clear, but when back in the presence of heart pursuit by Shawn I shut down. 

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.” – Proverbs 11:2

 I crept in so silently! I prayed for more clarity on this sin gripping my heart. I was unapproachable, but really only with Shawn. The Holy Spirit gave me much needed clarity after a day of prayer and reading the scriptures. I did not fear God. I had more fear of Shawn with idolization and worship of him wrapped into in. I reacted with distance, frustration, and pride, really anything but a humble and repentive heart that wanted to glorify God and respect my husband. He broke me down. There have been many conversations with Shawn since that day that He knocked me on my face and I cried out to my God. He has grown me so much! Shawn has discerned self-righteousness wrapped in this as well.I am rejoicing in God’s grace and mercy. This is not over. My pride runs deep and there is daily repentance, but how sweet it is because it points me to Jesus! This is not my identity. My identity is in Christ and I can rest knowing I don’t have to achieve or perform, and there is nothing to acquire, because of what He has accomplished on my behalf. It is finished.Jessica McCorkle is the Deacon of Administration at The Paradox. She co-leads the Wedgwood City Group with her husband Shawn.