Redemption Groups: Brutal Honesty and Realizing Sin
One current Redemption Group participant will be blogging their experience through this round of Redemption Groups.When it will end? The pain, the suffering, and the inextricable ache unlike any other I feel in my heart. When asked to describe the pain, I find myself unable to string together words to give it justice. It’s not constant, but it’s intense and overcomes me when it rises.It was there at Redemption Group on Tuesday. I could feel it sitting just below my throat, waiting to jump. I sat silently in our room hoping I could escape having only said a few words, possibly none, that night. I listened to the lesson but I was exhausted and the words slid by me. I’m angry.I have been praying for comfort, resolve and answers. Why do I harbor so much pain and guilt and shame? Where is He when I have asked Him to let me let go? Why do my thoughts and prayers go to my comforting idol when the pain comes instead of Him?When it was my turn to talk, I said I was tired, and told them it was an especially hard day because it came with memories I wish I could forget. They poked and prodded and came at me in full-attack mode. They questioned my salvation and pushed me on my beliefs.Who is Jesus to me? What do I know about Him? Do I think I am saved?My heart began to beat faster. The anger, resentment and hostility built from within. The walls seemingly closed around me and I panicked. I couldn’t breathe. It was too many questions and I had no answers. I lost it.Where is He? Where is this Savior when I need Him? How am I to trust this God who has left and forsaken me? A God who will not relieve me from my pain and who refuses to let me let go?My emotions swirled and my temper roared. I screamed and yelled.Who are these people to tell me what I believe? Who is He to keep me in this place?Days have passed and my temper has cooled. I have had much quiet reflection. I realized I wasn’t coming to Him in my pain and suffering but blaming Him when my idols failed to comfort me.I was worshiping other things when I should have come to Him in worship. I find it hard to trust Him. I, the Israelite of today, consistently run back to Pharaoh. His picture of redemption is not mine, and I struggle to be faithful and believe. I want to ask Him to change things, but I fear what happens if He doesn’t. What if that is not His plan?My hope in God has yet to reach beyond the desire for relief from my current suffering to a deeper, more permanent relief. I struggle to keep my hope in Him. I struggle knowing that if relief does not come, it is not because He is not fighting for me but because I am to receive ultimate refuge when I meet Him.Being brutally honest about my pain is hard and has forced me to come to terms with my sin.