Redemption Groups :: Week Four

The topic of discussion this week was shame. I had a feeling this week would hit me hard and I was right. Pastor Jim spoke and said that, “shame tells us to cover ourselves” and oftentimes “to run from God.” I was sitting there trying not to feel ashamed for the fact that we are talking about shame, and I am so guilty. I was uneasy throughout the whole teaching. Pastor Jim concluded with, “Jesus scorned the shame and we are defined by the Father’s love.” I knew that and even believed that, but I couldn’t figure out why I was still feeling shame. He gave us some questions to work through in our groups:

:: Are you free or still a slave?:: Are you hiding?:: Have you experienced the grace done to         you?:: What sins need to be washed up?:: What do you need to cast into the sea?

In my past blogs, I’ve said one of my main struggles is lies – lies said to me and lies that I’ve told myself. I’ve said each day I’ve confessed to God the lies that I have believed, and He has told me I am His, but there was still something wrong. It was washed up tonight. I believed that the lies would always be there, even if no one was telling me the lies anymore. I did not believe that they could be removed. I crossed the Red Sea, turned around, and stared at it. I laid everything at the foot of the cross and stared at it. I saw that I haven’t been walking in redemption at all, but I’ve been walking in constant confession. I wouldn’t turn around and move away from the sea. I was blind to the resurrection, and there is a reason for this.I have worshipped the approval of man, because man has been the tangible source of my lies. Before this week, that idol remained constant, and I was defined by it. Even while in Redemption Groups I have felt like I was the girl with_____story, because I felt shame in front of the other group members. My hope in Redemption Groups was that maybe someone would believe me this time, because I felt like my story was unbelievable. My fear was that someone else could define my suffering, and because of that fear, I hid it. (In other words, I was a slave to my suffering and did not want to let it go). My idol remained because of the lie that if I kept it hidden, I wouldn’t have to face the pain of letting it go.  However, no one can define my suffering or put it in a box. Rather, my story is a testament of God’s incredibly obvious hold on my life. I have realized there is a difference in having hope in something and having hope for something.I no longer sit in constant confession at the foot of the cross because I believe that the lies were conquered, and I rejoice because of this. I believe that it is impossible for man to validate or negate my suffering. My hope is in God. My hope is for man to see that God was present in my suffering and is present still. “Do not fear because He will fight for you… you need only be silent” (Ex. 14:14).  Stillness is found in prayer, which sustains faith. Faith protects you, but does not fight for you no matter how strong you think you are. God fights. Jesus holds it all together. I believe in the cross and resurrection. I am walking forward. I am weak and I feel beautiful.Find the rest of the blogs in this series here.For more information on Redemption Groups go here.