Search Party

I wrestle with identity constantly. I turn inward and try to find meaning. Almost always I end up in more despair than when I began. I try to make meaning and try to control to get some perceived idea of what I deserve. …and if I’m honest - it is always filthy rags that I want to rub all over myself to become something. Anything, something, just something, I must amount to something… For what, though? Why is this search party camped out in my heart so deeply?I am tired. I’m tired of trying to find my significance in any and every thing. I always thought having kids would happen really easily, yet my husband and I have been trying for months and months… and I have no baby to hold. I cannot find my identity in being a mother because I am not a mother. Well, then I’ll just turn to my job and be a contributor to our family pot, and there I will find meaning. That’s great until the job begins to swallow me whole and I find myself on the cusp of dishonoring my morals and integrity in order to keep the paychecks coming. I can’t find my identity in managing an office any more because just this morning I submitted my two weeks notice. (Without having another job lined up) Then I turn to my identity as a wife by stomping on my marriage because my husband doesn’t worship me enough or the way I think he should because I’m such an awesome wife… who fails constantly.So I’m an empty-wombed-soon-to-be-unemployed-sucky-wife. …and I’d be damned if Jesus let me stay that way.Through all of this Jesus has been so good to give me grace. Grace upon grace upon grace upon grace. He has given me an identity- one that is not dependent on me and what I bring to the table. I can rest fully knowing that even though I have no baby, soon no job, and I suck at being a wife, that I am loved. I am accepted. I do not have to earn love or approval from Jesus. My identity is not a mother, worker, or wife. My identity rests solely on the redemptive work of Jesus and what HE HAS DONE and WHO HE IS. Jesus frees me from my self worship to worship Him.Romans 8:12-17So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.Praise the mount, I’m fixed upon it Mount of God’s unchanging love Here I raise my Ebenezer Here by Thy great help I’ve come; And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home Jesus saught me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God He, to rescue me from danger; Interposed His precious blood.Lacey Kesler is a partner of The Paradox Church, and a member of the Wedgwood City Group.